Victor of Tucson

Book 6: Chapter 42: Relationships

After their meeting, when everyone had had their fill of talk and drink, and things going forward were settled, Victor walked his command staff to the front door to say goodnight. On the way, as they passed by the short hallway leading to his library, Edeya tugged Victor’s sleeve and asked, “Could I speak to you for a minute? It’s about the message from Thayla.”

Valla had been walking beside him, and she squeezed his hand briefly before stepping forward. “I’ll show the others out.”

“All right. Night, all!” Victor called, smiling stupidly—Valla had produced a bottle of brandy she’d been hanging onto from Coloss, and Victor had enjoyed it a bit too much. He followed Edeya into the library and, on a whim, lifted the little spyglass, focusing it on her. A green halo limned her body almost immediately as the glass magically clarified the image. They’d figured out the little artifact’s purpose, or at least one of them, while sitting around the table. It seemed to indicate the strength of the people observed through it, relative to the viewer, with a crude, if effective, color system.

When Victor had studied the soldiers outside, almost all had been green, like Edeya, but he’d gotten some more clues when he’d looked at Valla, Lam, and Kethelket. They’d all been shades of blue. The real breakthrough had come when he’d handed the spyglass to Valla, and she’d seen him as deep crimson, Lam and Kethelket as pale yellow, Edeya as pale blue, and Sarl as green.

Victor was shaken from his thoughts of the spyglass when he walked into the big map table, stumbled, and nearly dropped the little scope. “Are you okay?” Edeya laughed.

“Heh, fine.” He shook his head, grinning, and slipped the spyglass back into his storage ring. Edeya produced a thick Farscribe book and held it close to her chest, hugging her arms around it. She seemed nervous to him, like she was struggling to find the right words. “Spit it out, chica.” He knew calling her that would break the tension.

“Back to that, are we?” She laughed, then set the book down on the big table. “Well, I wanted to let you read this message from Thayla. There are two Farscribe books at the pass that they’re using to stay in touch with the legion, this one that I carry and another that Lieutenant Darro carries for Rellia and Borrius.” Edeya flipped the book to one of the most recent entries, and Victor saw some paragraphs of Thayla’s sharp-angled handwriting addressed to him. Edeya pointed to a note at the bottom of the page, “Edeya, please pull the next page from the book and give it to Victor so he can write back when he has a minute.”

“Oh, I see.” Victor nodded, his buzz fading as he began to worry about what the hell Thayla had written to make Edeya so nervous.

“Yeah, she even wrote on the top of the page.” Edeya pointed to the next page where, neatly printed on the top, were the words, This Page For Victor’s Use. Without further ado, Edeya ripped the page out along with the previous page where Thayla’s message was written.

“They’ll still work?”

“Oh yes. These two pages will still reflect the words written on them with the ones in the copy back at the pass.” Edeya smiled, then gripped Victor by the back of the arm, squeezing gently. “If we don’t talk before we march, be careful, and don’t take too long to catch up to us, okay? I’m nervous about what awaits us as we move toward the center of all this corruption.”

“Yeah, all right. Don’t worry; I don’t plan to take my time.” He watched her leave, and as she got to the doorway, he added, “Thanks, Edeya.” She smiled again, nodded, and left, her shimmering, azure wings drifting through the dim hallway like fairy dust. Victor sighed and picked up the two pages, shuffling them so Thayla’s letter was on top. He’d just turned his eyes to the first line when Valla spoke up from the doorway.

“Anything to worry about?”

Victor held up the pages. “I don’t think so, just a letter from Thayla. Haven’t read it yet.”

“Ah, that’s right. Edeya mentioned it earlier. Well, I’ll leave you to concentrate on that. I’m headed to bed. See you soon?”

“Oh yeah. I won’t be up much longer.” Victor’s eyes were still on the page, and when he looked up to see if Valla had more to say, she was already gone. Was she upset? He didn’t think so. “Let’s see here.” He straightened out the page and began to read:

Victor,

We hear much of your campaign here in Northpass, as they’re starting to call the little village between the walls the engineers and Earth Casters are building. I know this book isn’t for our private use, so I’ll trust Edeya to stop reading here and pass this note along to you. Things sound promising with regard to the campaign, and you should know that things are good here, too. I won’t bore you with all the details, as I’m sure Edeya gets reports from the legion personnel in this same book, and you’ve no doubt heard it all from her already. Things are exciting, though! We’ve all enjoyed watching the construction process, learning to hunt the slopes south of the pass, and observing the reserve forces here drilling on the new parade grounds outside the walls. What a strange name for a bunch of gravel fields! It must have something to do with Imperial traditions, don’t you think?

Deyni is well! She’s become quite a huntress with that bird of hers! She and Challa go out every morning, and they’ve impressed everyone with their contribution to the food stores. It’s not me or Deyni that I write to you about, however. I’m worried about Chandri, and I’m not sure what to do. Tellen isn’t any help—he’s too hands-off with those girls, and I’ve come into their lives too late to change any of that. He says she’ll figure things out, and she probably will. That said, I’ve made the, perhaps foolish, decision to add to your no-doubt immense pile of worries. Chandri has grown bitter and angry. When I confronted her about her attitude, she made an offhand comment about things being her fault, ‘her choice to live a small, stupid life.’

When I pressed her, she fought with me, saying things women say to each other when their anger gets ahold of them. I know she didn’t mean them, so I won’t bother repeating her words here, but your name came up more than once. I think that when you left in the winter, when you said goodbye, Chandri figured it would be the last she’d see of you. I don’t think she ever imagined she’d be embroiled in a campaign like this, that she’d ever see you leading an army, dragging her people along with it. She’d never imagined spending so much time in your proximity, and if she did, that she’d be such a footnote, someone whom you passed by now and then and said hello to. I think she imagined she was more than that to you.

She knew you’d be moving on to bigger things, but she thought it would happen far from her. She feels snubbed, Victor. She thought she held an important place in your heart. It may not seem logical, but she was ready to have you fade out of her life, but she wasn’t prepared for it to happen while she could still observe you.

What can you do? I have no idea. Talk to her? I know you care about her, despite what she might think. I know you’re very, very busy, but I’m sure you’ll find a way to make things right with her. I just wasn’t sure you knew things needed making right. I hope this news doesn’t distract you too much. I hope you’ll have great success and, hopefully, have a chance to rest soon, a chance to visit those of us who aren’t on the frontlines.

With much love,

Thayla

“Oh, what the hell?” Victor groaned as he lowered the page and stood from the edge of the table. He walked over to the big, comfortable chair he favored and collapsed into it. “If it’s not one thing, it’s another.” He reached over his shoulder and pulled Lifedrinker loose from her harness. At first, he was just trying to get comfortable, but he realized he also wanted the comfort she usually provided. He pressed the cool metal of her axe head to his forehead and sighed, “Well, beautiful, once again, I’m dealing with some damn drama I seem to have created simply by being myself.”

He wasn’t sure what he’d expected from Lifedrinker. Usually, when he complained about things like that, she provided some clarity in the form of a simple desire to fight something. He didn’t always agree with her urge for combat, but it always made him feel better to see a different perspective, a different focus on priorities. One thing was sure: Lifedrinker never made him feel bad, always supported him, and was usually quick to point out how he was in the right and those who disagreed shouldn’t have crossed him. Of course, on this occasion, Lifedrinker decided to complicate things instead of providing clarity. Rather than love, unquestioning support, and a desire for battle, she sent waves of uncertainty, doubt, and even resentment through their bond.

Victor, why do you forsake me? You promised to share your spirit again soon, and I’ve ached for it!

An image flashed through Victor’s mind. A great, silver-furred wolf, alone, howling into the dark, waiting for a response and hearing nothing but silence as the howl echoed away. He frowned and held the axe at arm’s length, staring at it. “Seriously? It hasn’t been very long! You know I love you, chica! I’m . . . conflicted, though. What exactly am I doing with you when I join my spirit to yours? Is it . . . am I being faithful to Valla? I know people teased me about it, about us, I mean, but I never thought of you like that before. It wasn’t something possible, you know? You were an axe; I was a man. If our spirits can get together, though . . . what does that even mean?”

Lifedrinker was an axe of few words, and rather than answer his question, he felt hot emotion pulse out of the haft into his hands. Her feelings were clear; she didn’t care about anything other than her love for him. She didn’t care what he said or did with anyone else so long as they were together. Images of him standing tall, swinging her through battle after battle, killing monsters, creatures, and men and women in the hundreds flashed through his mind. Along with those images flowed Lifedrinker’s feelings of raw, palpable excitement, pride, hunger for conflict, and, under it all, a deep, unwavering devotion to Victor.

Victor shook his head and balled up his fist, gently thumping it against his forehead as he squeezed his eyes in frustration. “God, you’re so good, Lifedrinker, so straightforward and true. You don’t lie. You don’t play games. Are you too good for me? Do I even deserve you?” He sighed and sat up, shaking his head. “Still, you must know how I’m different than you, right? I love to fight, true, but I also enjoy other things in life. You know I’m not always focused on you or what we do together, right? You know how I feel about Valla. You know I care about other people and other things. I want people who enjoy peace to have it. That’s why I’m here, in these lands, fighting these undead pendejos.”

Victor paused, unsure what he was getting at, where his thoughts were going. “I think what I’m trying to say is that I understand what you want and how you feel, but you have to understand that my life and my desires are a little more complicated. You have to understand that I’m a little concerned about what it means to you and me when I connect our spirits like that. If I’m not doing it to win a fight, am I just doing it to be closer to you, to show my love and affection? If so, is that disloyal to Valla? Because you’ve got to understand something, chica, I enjoyed it too. I felt different somehow when I pulled my spirit back, and it was good.”

If it’s good, it’s good!

The words were so clear and so simple that Victor had to laugh. Still chuckling, he turned Lifedrinker crossways over his lap, holding her haft with both hands, admiring the weird, depthless nature of her living-wood haft with its tiny motes of light winking at him from the dark grains and whorls. “Let me think about things a little more, okay? Hell, let me talk to Valla.” Reluctant acceptance came to him through the dense, warm wood. “Gracias, amor mio.”

Victor rubbed his temples and pressed his eyes shut briefly, trying to wrap his head around everything. He’d hoped to get some comfort from Lifedrinker, but now he had another thing to worry about. With a grunt, he stood up, re-slung his axe, and moved over to the table, summoning a pen from his storage ring. He took the blank page on which he was supposed to write a response, smoothed it out with his hand, and got to work, trying not to let his frustration bleed into his words.

Thayla,

Thanks for the message. I appreciate you looking out for me concerning Chandri’s feelings—it’s certainly not something you had to do, but I recognize that you’re looking out for her as much, or maybe more, than me. I promise I’ll have a good, long heart-to-heart with her when I get back. Problem is, I don’t know when that’ll be. Things haven’t really slowed down here, and we’re trying to capitalize on our momentum. Realistically, it’ll be weeks, at least, before I can get back up there. In the meantime, maybe you can let Chandri know that I’m awfully sorry for not . . . Scratch that! If you do that, she’ll realize you messaged me about her, and she’ll probably get even angrier. How about this: next time you’re all together, let her, Deyni, and everyone know that I asked about them and that I’m looking forward to spending time with them all. I promise I’ll try to make things right.

No matter what, it was nice to hear from you, Thayla. It’s nice to be reminded of what I’m fighting for.

Love,

Victor

Victor sighed and folded the pages in half, sending them into his storage ring. Feeling a little lighter for having at least responded to Thayla, he made his way downstairs and into his room. The lights were dim, hardly on, but he saw Valla curled up under the blanket, breathing peacefully in her sleep. He started to undress, hanging his armor and Lifedrinker on a rack of wooden pegs near the door. He’d just sat down on a bench to pull his boots off when he heard the sheets rustle, and Valla sleepily spoke up, “Coming to bed?”

“Yeah.”

There must have been something in his voice because she asked, “Want to talk about it?”

“I don’t think my current troubles are anything you want to hear about, to be honest.” He chuckled a little ruefully and tugged at his boot.

More rustling of sheets signaled Valla sitting up against the pillows as he started on his second boot. “I always want to hear about your troubles. How else can I be any help?”

“Well,” Victor’s nervous chuckle returned as he dropped his boot and decided to be honest, “I guess you could say I’m having some women troubles.”

“Excuse me? I think I’d know about that. Something to do with Thayla? I thought you and she were . . .”

“Nah.” Victor stood and pulled his shirt off. “It’s not like that. She’s fine; she wrote to me about Chandri.”

“Chandri? Did you and she? Victor, really?”

“No, it’s not like that! We were close, is all, back when I was staying with the clan. I mean, we almost were something, but it was just a couple of flirting kisses, and then she . . . God, Valla! You don’t want to hear all this!”

“Well, hold on!” Suddenly, her voice wasn’t sleepy at all. “You said ‘women’ not ‘woman.’ Is there another former lover I need to . . .”

“Oh my God, Valla! For one thing, Chandri wasn’t a ‘former lover.’ Anyway, the other ‘woman’ is Lifedrinker.” Victor glanced at the axe hanging by the door, feeling a surge of guilt for talking about her like that.

“Lifedrinker?” Valla leaned forward, the sheets falling away from her, revealing a sheer, silky white nightgown that Victor hadn’t seen her wear before. Did that mean something? He slapped his head, groaning.

“I’m an idiot. Our first night back together, and I’m coming to bed late, moaning about problems with other women. It’s not what it sounds like, Valla. I’m just worried about their feelings. You know me.”

She sighed and leaned back, letting her furrowed brow relax. “Yes, Victor, I know you. Your heart is too big, but, of course, that’s what I love about you. So, let’s start with the woman in the room with us. What’s wrong with Lifedrinker?”

Victor unbuckled his pants and let them drop to the ground, then he walked over to the bed and sat on the side of it, nudging Valla’s legs over to make room. “Well, you remember my Imbue Spirit spell? The one I used on you and Barn when we fought the night brutes?”

“Yes, you shared your courage with us.”

“Right. Well, it was more than my courage. It’s a piece of my spirit. I guess, in that case, it was a piece that reflected my courage because that’s the Energy I used when I cast it. Anyway, that’s beside the point. Recently, I cast that spell on Lifedrinker, sending part of my spirit into her. It empowered her, allowing her to damage Dunstan, for instance, when she couldn’t before.”

“Mmhmm. What’s the problem with that?”

“The problem came when I called my spirit back into me, and Lifedrinker got depressed! She loves having my spirit with her. It brings us closer together, and, well, I hate to deny her, but I also feel guilty. What exactly are we sharing when I do that?”

“You feel . . . guilty?” Valla frowned at him, narrowing her eyes again. “Why?”

“Because I love you, and I’d never do something to hurt you. I wouldn’t . . . well, shit, I wouldn’t cheat on you. When I share my spirit with Lifedrinker, we’re close, Valla. How is that okay?” Victor spoke from his heart and wasn’t trying to hide anything. Valla must have recognized that because he could see the sympathy in her eyes. She didn’t get angry as he’d feared she might. Instead, she reached out to grasp one of his big hands in her slender, cool fingers, gently squeezing it.

“You’re an idiot.”

The words were familiar to Victor, but he was used to hearing them from people like Thayla and Edeya. Hearing them from Valla brought an instant bark of laughter out of him. “Am I?”

“Yes! Do you love Lifedrinker in the same way you love me?”

“No!”

“Then why would you feel guilty about being close to her? You should feel close to her! You’ve been through quite a lot together, haven’t you?” When Victor nodded, she pressed on, “You’re allowed to love people other than me, you know. Do you feel sexually attracted to her?”

“Valla! No!”

“Well, I had to ask because you’re being very strange! You don’t feel guilty about loving Thayla, do you? Don’t deny it; I know you love her!”

“No, I don’t feel guilty ‘cause we both know we aren’t going anywhere in that . . . direction.”

“Well, I think you and Lifedrinker know you won’t become mates, right?”

“Yeah.” Victor sighed, chuckling nervously. Was he being honest? He could speak for himself, but what did he know of Lifedrinker’s true feelings? Hadn’t she spoken possessively of Valla before? Was that something he should mention? “I can’t really speak for her; she’s not the same as us, you know? Some of her memories are ancient and come from the heartwood in her haft. I’m saying she might view a relationship differently than you and I.”

“I care about what’s in here.” Valla held her palm to Victor’s chest, over his heart. “If you can make her life better, this spirit who’s done so much with and for you, don’t you think you should? Share your spirit with her when she wants. I love her too, you know? If she hadn’t been there for you, loving and caring for you, you’d have died on more than one occasion. Am I wrong?”

“No.” Victor couldn’t say anything else; he was too fraught with emotion. He squeezed his eyes shut, images of battles where he’d almost died running through his mind. From the “boss” of the dungeon Lifedrinker had drained to his duel with Rellia, where she’d gifted him her own life Energy, to half a dozen other close battles where she’d made the difference between a loss and a win—where she’d been the difference between life and death. He felt Valla pull on his wrist, and he fell forward into her arms.

She stroked his head, rubbing her fingers through the stiff, shorter hair on the sides of his head. “Shh,” she said, leaning forward to kiss his forehead. “Did anyone ever tell you not to worry quite so much about everyone else’s feelings?”

“Yeah,” he mumbled, “Lifedrinker.”