To Love You Again

Seeing the name of the sender, Ming Zhi Yi's sunken eyes turned dark.

He took the letter angrily and was about to put it on the dirty toilet when his hand halted.

His thin arm was raised for a long time, but he did not throw the letter.

After a lot of struggles, Ming Zhi Yi finally put down his hand and begrudgingly opened the letter. Since his son give him the diary, he must have written the reason why he gave it to him.

Let's see what this betrayer has to say!

[Father, it's me, Lu Jin.]

Ha. This damned man still calls him father after putting him to his death. How ridiculous.

[If you are reading this, then I am right. You are seeking redemption.]

Ming Zhi Yi suddenly crumpled the paper.

Redemption? Who was seeking redemption?! He only seeks revenge and a way to quench his rage!

He was about to throw it into the toilet again but his hand stopped.

The dead people around him asked why he stopped. They urged him to throw it away.

'This letter is meant to destroy you. Break you, make you feel despair. Like that diary...'

'Thow it. Destroy it. Ripped it to pieces. Make it go away.'

Their voices echoed.

Ming Zhi Yi closed his eyes and finally put down the letter. He uncrumpled the paper with a lot of force that it almost ripped.

For the first time, he did not listen to the voices. But he gave in to the small part of him who wanted to read the content of the letter.

[Although you deny it, the 'you' under that mask still wants it.

Father, I have found my redemption. I might not be at peace for the rest of my life as I decided to carry the sins I committed until the end of my time. But with my newfound redemption, living this life might be not that bad after all.

I did not write to you to tell you I am sorry. Going against you, is the first right decision I ever made in my entire life.

I did not regret giving you up or betraying you.

You used me. You threatened me. You twisted me. But I don't hate you.

How can I hate you?

When you don't wear any of the masks, you are just a wounded, sick, and confused person.]

Ming Zhi Yi stopped reading. His dark eyes become unfocused.

He....was wounded...sick...and confused?

His son...thought of him as that?

"Ha....Ha! Ha! I did not know you are such a naive child Lu Jin! It's better if you hate me!" He laughed exasperatedly. However, his laughter doesn't sound so happy. It actually sounds sorrowful.

The son who betrayed him pitied him. How laughable.

Ming Zhi Yi doesn't want to continue reading.

He crumpled the paper and angrily throw it in another corner of the room.

A long time passed as Ming Zhi Yi just stared at a distance ignoring the voices around him. After a while, he glanced down at the notebook. His sunken cold eyes just stared at it but did not dare open it.

It was only on the next day that Ming Zhi Yi went to the corner and picked up the letter on the ground with great effort.

After taking a deep breath- which he did not notice- he continued reading.

[Do you remember the time after mother died? I know beforehand that her death had something to do with you. But I can't confront you.

After mother's wake, I went to mother's bedroom because I missed her. Then I saw a scene that I would never forget in my life.

I saw you.

You are smelling mother's dress. You are hugging her pillow. You skimmed on her things with a gentle yet heartwrenching look. At that time, I saw the 'you' who are not wearing any masks.

I wondered if without the mask, will you be able to become a lovable husband and a great father?

But that's the question that I will never get an answer to in this life.

Although I can still ask you this question, do you really not regret killing her?]

Something within Ming Zhi Yi, something within him that he buried deeply started to resurface.

He remembered that night.

He came back to that room like he was mesmerized. The absence of the woman he killed made him feel an unbearable pain that almost ripped his heart to pieces. Only by touching her things, grasping the remaining warmth she left, and reliving in her presence that he could ease that overwhelming pain.

At that time, Ming Zhi Yi did not understand.

Perhaps his role-playing as a loving husband gets to him that he could not decipher between the lies and the reality.

[When you noticed mother's diary was missing, you looked for it frantically. I thought at first that you are looking for it because some of your secrets must have been written there. But as years passed, I noticed I was wrong. You are not looking for that notebook because of some secret of yours. You are looking for it because you missed her dearly, right? You missed her and want to know her thoughts.

Under your hate and refusal, you have loved her all along.]

...You loved her all along.

He reread these words multiple times. Until it becomes clear and had taken root in his mind.

...I loved her?

Wet patches appeared on the paper.

...What's happening? Why is my vision blurry?

A tear fell down on the thin hand that was holding the letter.

Where did this water drop come from?

Ming Zhi Yi did not realize that his tears were falling down. It appeared so suddenly that it shocked him. The voices around him halted as well. They also seemed shocked.

Ming Zhi Yi wiped his tears with a dazed look.

Did he just...cried?

But then the unbearable pain in his chest intensified. At first, he thought it was because of his injury, he clutched his chest as he howled in pain.

"Agh...It hurts! It hurts!"

This pain was even more unbearable than the damage that the young man caused to him two months ago.

He felt his insides were being torn apart. Especially at his heart. He felt like a hand took his heart and ripped it to pieces. Stones as heavy as the world was hammered into his chest making it difficult for him to breathe.

Tears pooled in Ming Zhi Yi's sunken eyes.

It hurts....It hurts so much...

The heartwrenching pain he hid in the depth of his heart revived. His acceptance of his feelings crashed into Ming Zhi Yi like a tsunami.

Death might be better than this.

Ming Zhi Yi howled in pain as he cried.

...

Another day passed in a cold and moldy cell.

It took all Ming Zhi Yi's strength just to withstand the agonizing pain.

He had finished reading Lu Jin's letter. Although it takes him days to finish it, he gets the wind of it.

Lu Jin's last words to him were ridiculous. But Ming Zhi Yi doesn't have the energy to curse.

[I hope you find peace in mother's diary. Perhaps only with her warmth, you can fully take off the mask you had put on ever since.

Goodbye, Father. I wished you a safe journey.]

It was as if he was not facing death but was journeying to a faraway land.

Ming Zhi Yi did not know how to feel about that. No, he had no energy to care bout it.

He glanced down at the diary he was not able to read since day one. Tomorrow would be his execution day.

He only has a few hours left to read this diary.

Ming Zhi Yi took a deep breath. With shaking hands and wavering eyes, he opened the diary.

Lu Fanrong's neat and stylish penmanship welcomed him.

[Hi! Nice to meet you!

I'll be your owner from now on. You'll be one of my dearest possession since you are a gift from my beloved man.

Can I tell you a secret?

Actually, I still keep everything he gave to me ever since the first day we dated. Hehe, you can find it in a treasure box under the bed....]

Ming Zhi Yi did not notice that his dark eyes started to turn soft. A light smile slowly revealed.

As he focused reading on every entry, he did not notice that the dead people around him stopped talking. One by one, they started to disappear.

....