Reborn: The Return of the Villainous Mr. Liu

Since Jin had grabbed onto her arms, Alix didn't feel much shy in grabbing his collar and crumpling it into her fist. Her eyes glazed with an inexplicable fierceness.

"Don't cry like a baby, Liu Jin. Are you so crippled by your mistakes that you cannot face them anymore? Then more than half of the world should be lying comatose right now! But people still keep moving on, right? People still try to find hope in their lives. Do you see this world dead in your eyes? Then why do you think that you are so special?

You are not the only one who has made some irredeemable mistakes! I…By the time I realized that my whole life was a lie, everything had gone so wrong by that point that there was no turning back for me. I thought dying was my only salvation but…let's just say the Gods weren't quite done with my repentance."

Jin's brows slightly moved as he stared at her, exhaling trembling breaths.

He was angry. He was still very angry with Alix's interference. Yet he remained still as she lashed out at him.

"So here I am once again. I know the purpose of my life and honestly, it's not a thrilling life to live. Not when…each and every mistake of yours keeps burning in your very soul until you feel like you cannot breathe. That flame never goes out. The mistakes don't turn into ashes. There is no hope that they would get scattered away by the wind one day and I can finally live my life without this fucking mountain of burden crashing down on me!"

Jin inhaled a sharp breath. He didn't know why but every word escaping her lips struck his heart akin to a knife piercing it. Her words were expressing exactly how he felt towards Shui. The hands gripping her arms trembled.

Alix bitterly laughed. "But I am still standing on my feet. Because I don't know how else I would face myself. If I collapse right now, then what am I supposed to do with this life? So I am doing what every person who makes mistakes does. Fixing it! Fixing the havoc that I left behind because of my stupidity! Trust me Liu Jin. In face of what I have done, your mistakes…amount to nothing."

Jin stared into her almost teary eyes that slightly shone with the setting sun's light cast on her face. She was holding back her tears with all her might because it was a weakness she didn't want anybody to see.

He was silent for a long time before he whispered to her, "I had slept with Kang Xiao."

"...What?"

It was such a sudden and abrupt confession that she couldn't really understand it. She kept her blank gaze fixed at him as she tried to process it.

"Kang Yuze's sister? The same Kang Xiao that we know?"

He smiled and said in a low, quivering voice, "It's a little difficult to explain but yes, she is the one. You wouldn't understand it even if I try to explain because it's all so unbelievable. You will think I have gone mental and crazy. But the truth remains that I have slept with that woman only so that I could hurt Shui. I didn't love her, yet I slept with her."

Alix continued staring at him.

"I slept with a woman I didn't love to hurt a woman I loved."

Jin's eyes grew misty as he looked at her with a self-deprecating laughter. "I never thought that I would cross those lines but I have. And now I keep wondering…when did I become such a bastard? Even if I had hated Shui at one point, she didn't deserve to see any of the crimes that I did. I…Y-You don't understand Alix. I am ashamed to call myself Liu Jin anymore."

He slowly let go of her arms and stared at his own shaking hands. "You know…the men in my family are extremely loyal to their partners. Even the mere thought of seeing their wives hurt is enough to kill them. Whether it's my grandpa towards grandma, Dad towards Mom or my brothers towards my sister-in-laws, they are all just…hopeless men in love."

He parted his lips and said with extreme difficulty, "They can go to any lengths to protect their love and yet here I am, who has gone to every length to destroy mine. I am the worst black sheep a family could have. When I see them loving their wives, I see what I did to Shui and…it's just…

I want to love her, Alix. I want to love her too the way Bro Jun loves Zhou Ai. The way Dad protects Mom. The way Grandpa bickers with Grandma. I want to do all these things with her too. But…" the light in his gaze began to fade away.

"I see myself in the mirror everyday and I think to myself that I cannot be so shameless to wish for this. Not with what I have done. Shui…" he said very slowly, "has forgiven me. She wants me to move past it. But I-I am not able to accept her generosity, Alix. I-It's crazy, right? She forgives me but I cannot forgive myself.n/o/vel/b//in dot c//om

Do you know why Kang Xiao is her friend? Not because they naturally grew closer because of you. She…she wants to show me that being with her doesn't bother her. She wants to tell me that 'Look. I can face Kang Xiao. I don't feel uncomfortable around her. I don't care what relationship you had with her in the past, but that doesn't affect our present.'"

Jin tightly clasped his hands together, slightly gritting his teeth. "I am not making any sense, am I? But sometimes…we fall in our own eyes so badly that nothing fixes it anymore. Even the forgiveness from the person we hurt feels like torture.

You said you have made some irredeemable mistakes too. Then tell me. If you have hurt the person you care about so much, how easy is it to look into their eyes and not get ashamed of ourselves?"

Alix parted her lips as the realization finally set in. The blur picture became clearer to her and her firm grip automatically released itself from his collar.

Ah…

That's what he means…

He cannot face Shui like how I…cannot face Lin.