Novel Bin
Chapter 47 – I’m Fine
Chapter 47 – I’m Fine
Just…
Just follow the plan…
…
That’s… That’s all you need to do…
I continued walking into the darkness, feeling the temperature around me fall with each step. But unlike the last time I walked this path, all it did was make me start to tense up.
Don’t ruin this…
Please…
Just follow the plan…
…
Give the gift… Tell her… I did what she asked me to… Show her the… drawing…
…
No! Don’t hesitate now…
…
Just… follow the plan…
It will work itself out…
I just kept on walking, at least until I walked into something that was unexpectedly soft. Before I could even register what I had just walked into, my instinct was to take a step back, but as I did, I was immediately pulled back into it.
“H-hello… K-Kierra,” I had accidentally walked into Ovia while I wasn’t paying attention, “W-welcome back.”
“…” I didn’t want to say anything, just in case the wrong words came out of my mouth.
I just hugged her back instead.
I know I shouldn’t…
But… I want to stay like this…
…
After a little while, Ovia gently pushed me away, forcing me to remove my arms from around her waist.
“K-Kierra-”
“Wait!” I interrupted Ovia.
No… I… I need to follow the plan… I just need to follow the plan…
“I… I…”
Come on Kierra… just… give her the hair clip… Just follow the plan…
“I… I have…” Even though I knew what I wanted to say, I was still a little hesitant to actually say anything, just in case.
I’m fine… I have to be fine…
I can’t worry her again…
While I was struggling to speak, Umbra must have poked their head out as the small black box with the hair clip in it was quietly placed into my hand.
“I…”
Just do it…
Giving up on trying to say anything, I just held the box out in front of me, hoping that Ovia would understand without me having to say anything.
“I-Is that f-f-for me?” She asked, holding her hands out in front of her.
I nodded, prompting her to take the box from me, cupping it with both of her hands.
“T-thank you…” Her voice got quieter as she spoke, “I-I don’t know what to s-say…”
She opened the box, her hands noticeably trembling as she did, revealing the hair clip inside. It was a fairly simple, narrow white barrette, but on one side, there was a large black nine-tailed fox curled up and sleeping peacefully, with a much smaller white fox, with only a single tail, sleeping on top of them. The design was small enough that even from a small distance, it would be a little difficult to make out what it was. I made the design both small and simple intentionally so that Ovia could wear it without being embarrassed… and then… just maybe… she could wear it a little more often because of that…
Ovia didn’t say anything as she looked at the hair clip.
Was that… not good enough?…
…
What was I thinking?!
Giving a hair clip to a Goddess.
Of course that’s not good enough.
I… Why did I?…
“U-um… C-c-can y-you…” She held the open box back out toward me, “p-p-put it on for me?” she said the last few words so quickly that I almost didn’t understand what she was asking me.
…
I nodded, taking the hair clip from her as she leaned forward so that I could reach her head. I carefully put the clip on for her, using it to pull some of her hair away from her eyes.
“… I’m done…” My voice was so quiet that it would have been hard to even call it a whisper, but that didn’t matter. Ovia clearly heard me as she immediately lifted her head back up.
“W-what does it look like?” She asked.
Before I could even try to answer her, she flicked one of her tails, and a mirror emerged out of the darkness.
“… I… like it…” She ran her fingers over the hair clip as she spoke.
I stood and watched as Ovia looked at herself in the mirror. After a while, there was a slight flash of light next to her ear, which made her stop.
“O-oh… Y-yes!” Her eyes snapped to me, “K-Kierra-”
“N-not yet!” I interrupted her again.
I knew that I shouldn’t interrupt a Goddess like that, but I needed to follow the plan. I just… couldn’t allow myself to make a mistake; I couldn’t allow myself to make her worry again.
What was next?…
…
Name… I did what she asked… I told someone my name…
I need to tell her…
“I… I…” I tried to tell her all about how I had managed to do what she asked me to, but every time I opened my mouth, I could feel tears starting to well up.
Don’t cry!
I’m fine…
…
I’m fine…
Maybe I can… I can… show the drawing instead!
…
Then I don’t need to talk!
I reached behind me once again, and thankfully, Umbra understood what I wanted and promptly placed the notebook in my hand. I quickly flipped through the pages until I landed on the page with the drawing of Ava and Raynelle sleeping together.
…
…
“A-are you-?” Ovia started to ask.
I’m fine!
I nodded, wiping my face just in case some tears had fallen without me knowing.
I’m fine.
“Name…” I turned the notebook around and pointed at the drawing, “I… told them… my n-name.”
Each word was a struggle, and I could feel the pressure behind my tears building with each word. It had already gotten to the point where it was painful to hold them back, making it even harder to keep myself in check.
I’m fine.
I… can hold it in…
I can’t… ruin this.
Ovia turned her attention to the drawing, leaning in a bit closer. At least, that’s what I thought she was doing.
“Y-you did it!” She suddenly fell to her knees and embraced me, “C-congratulations!”
“…” I wanted to say something to her, but I knew the moment I opened my mouth, I would just end up wetting her shoulder instead.
I’m fine…
I have to be.
Right at that moment, the room brightened up, revealing Aria standing at the entrance.
“Well done, I know that couldn’t have been very easy for you,” Aria said as she walked up to the two of us.
I didn’t respond to her. I had to focus; my breathing was steadily getting heavier and heavier as I continued to hold back my tears.
“Now, Sister,” She turned her attention to Ovia, “I can see you’re having a good time right now, but why don’t we get up off of the floor and go sit down?”
Ovia stayed quiet for a short moment but eventually relented, “Okay_…”
However, instead of releasing me from her grasp she lifted me up into into a princess carry as she stood up. Aria let out a small chuckle as I was lifted, though Ovia didn’t seem to notice as she continued to carry me along with her.
“I-I saw… y-you found the chair awkward l-last time… T-these are nicer.”
Awkward?
…
I guess… chairs are a little uncomfortable… because of my tail…
But… isn’t that normal?
Instead of the two couches from the last time I visited there were what looked like several large round cushions, almost resembling bags filled with wool. Ovia awkwardly draped me over the smallest one, such that I was lying on my stomach with my tail pointing straight up. The cushion was much softer than I was expecting, as just by lying there I slowly sank into it. Ovia checked that I was comfortable before both she and Aria sat on the two larger cushions in front of me.
“She won’t tell you this, but she made the first one of these chairs herself when she was still just a little kit,” Aria chuckled to herself.
“E-Ellaria!”
“She kept complaining about how she just couldn’t sit in such a way that her tail was comfortable no matter what she tried, so one day she locked herself in her room and the next she came out carrying one of these.”
Ovia’s face slowly turned red as Aria continued to speak.
“The village elders weren’t too fond of it, but she carried it around with her everywhere anyway. I sometimes wish I could see you doing that again, even back then I thought it was adorable.”
“Y-you don’t need to t-tell her…”
“Oh, but I do. After all, I still remember chasing you around trying to get you to make one for me.”
“B-but I-I did!”
“Yes you did… and I still have it. It was simply too precious to leave behind.”
“What?!”
Aria didn’t say anything further and just smiled instead as Ovia became an even brighter shade of red.
The whole situation caught me off guard, so much so that I almost managed to forget about my tears. Unfortunately, the pain in the back my throat prevented me from forgetting completely.
“Alright, that’s enough teasing you,” Aria said as she clapped her hands together, “Today is supposed to be all about the little kitsune who came to visit after all.”
“Oh! E-Ellaria look!” Ovia pointed at the hair clip I had given her, “K-Kierra made it… f-for… me…”
“I must say… it’s very well made,” Aria said as she turned towards me “Will I have to chase you around to get one for myself now?”
I still couldn’t bring myself to say anything, but thankfully Ovia decided to speak up in my place.
“No!” She shouted, before quickly quieting down, “I-it’s… special… it’s… mine… only… mine…”
“Well that’s a shame, I was really hoping to get my own personalised accessories… maybe in the future… though I can’t wait too long. I want to have something I can show off when you eventually become famous.”
Are they doing this intentionally?
Whenever I felt my tears were about to leak out the two of them would suddenly start talking about something else, distracting me, if only for a short while.
No, it can’t be…
That… doesn’t make sense…
…
“S-she also drew s-something,” Ovia’s eyes were full of expectation as she looked at me, clearly wanting me to bring the notebook out again.
But…
I don’t know if I can… hold myself back…
…
I hadn’t even decided if I was going to open the notebook again and my throat was already tensing up in preparation.
…
I can’t make her worry…
…
I’m fine…
I quickly opened the notebook, not checking the page that I had opened it to. I knew that if I looked at the drawing again it would be impossible to keep my cheeks dry.
…
Silence.
Neither of the Goddesses spoke.
What?! What did I do wrong?!
In a panic, I turned the notebook around and saw the mistake I had just made. Instead of my drawing of Raynelle and Ava sleeping, it was my drawing of Ovia with her arms outstretched.
No! No! No!
The pages turned quickly as I hastily tried to cover up my mistake. As soon as I saw the slightest hint of a feather on the page I turned the book back around so that I couldn’t see the drawing.
Again, silence.
I should have torn that page out!
…
“W-well…” Aria stuttered but quickly recomposed herself, “It’s a very nice drawing, maybe I could ask you for my own drawing instead of an accessory…”
Ovia however, still didn’t say anything and just stared at me. A mix of emotions that I couldn’t name spread across her face.
“Sister?…” Even Aria seemed to be concerned about her, reaching out for Ovia’s shoulder as she spoke, “Are you-?”
However, her hand never reached Ovia’s shoulder as she leaped out of her chair and over to me, hugging me again, causing me to drop the notebook on the floor. This time though, instead of the comfort I felt before, her hug just made it harder for me to hold my tears back. Even though she was cool the the touch, a warmth started to form in my chest.
…
I’m fine…
Thankfully… I managed to hold it in, if only barely.
Please… I have to be…
I’m fine…
…
While I was busy holding my tears back, Aria came over and picked up the notebook off of the floor, almost immediately flipping back to the drawing of Ava and Raynelle.
“I know I might have said this before… but truly, I’m glad you managed to find some good people… even if it took a while.”
…
…
Aria’s words caused me to freeze up. She probably didn’t mean anything by it… but… that didn’t matter.
…
I…
I know I made a mistake!
My breathing immediately got faster.
…
I don’t need to be reminded…
I already know!
The tears I had been holding back so desperately were starting to force their way out.
I’m sorry…
I’m… I’m…
“I’m… not fine…” The words just slipped out of my mouth, quickly followed by a cascade of tears that ran down Ovia’s back, “I’m not fine…”
I don’t know what to do…
I just… I don’t know anymore…
…
“Alright, alright, just try to calm down,” Aria had gotten off of her chair and was trying to wipe my tears away, although it didn’t help very much as the tears just kept on falling, “Why are you not fine? What’s happened?”
No!
Don’t say anything… You can’t make them worry…
You can’t… Don’t do this…
Please…
…
“I… I… ran away…” No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t keep it in anymore.
It hurt too much.
“Okay, let’s start there then,” Aria sat down on the ground, “Why did you run away?”
“I… I don’t… I don’t know anymore… I was scared… I… I… help… please… help me….”
“What do you need help with? If you tell us, I can assure you that we’ll both do everything we can to help… and coming from a Goddess that means quite a lot.”
…
What… do I need help with?
What… do I even want?
…
I…
I don’t know…
…
Why don’t I know? Why? Please…
I… I…
I want…
“… to go back… I want to go back…” I didn’t think it was possible, but my crying only got worse as I continued to speak, “I made a mistake…”
Neither of the Goddesses said anything in response, they just let me cry and cry and cry, until the tears eventually stopped flowing, even if it was only because I had no more tears left to cry.
“Sister, let me take over for a bit,” Aria put her hand on Ovia’s shoulder and pulled her back, “You can go and get changed into something else, okay?”
Ovia didn’t say anything in response and just slowly let me go. As she stood up I saw that it wasn’t just the back of her dress that had been soaked through with tears. I looked up at her face but she immediately covered her eyes before walking into a side room.
Was she?…
“Now that you’ve managed to calm down a little,” Aria took a deep breath before continuing, “You ran away, but now you want to go back?”
…
I nodded.
“Then why don’t you go back? I’m sure-”
“I can’t!” I interrupted her.
“And why do you think you can’t?” She responded almost immediately.
In that short moment something started building up in my chest… and I just didn’t have the strength left to hold it back.
“Because it’s my fault! I did it! I got scared! I locked myself away! I ran away!… I ruined it! It is all my fault!… it was just… me… I’m the one who ruined it! It’s all my fault!… and now I want to go back… I… I can’t… It’s my fault…” Even with my throat burning the words just kept on flowing.
Aria reached her hand out towards me, but I immediately pulled away.
“Don’t you understand?! They… They didn’t do anything!… They… I don’t know why… but they… never did anything!… I’m the one who did it! It’s my fault!… I ruined it… I… I can’t go back!” I had to pause and take deep breath to stop myself from passing out, but still, I couldn’t stop the words from spilling out, “Not… after I ruined it… They… wouldn’t want me back… It’s… all my fault…”
Right as I paused to breathe again, Ovia came back out from the darkness, now wearing a new dress.
“I… what am I doing?…” I couldn’t bring myself to look Ovia in the eye after that. Even after everything she has given me, all the help she offered, I still ruined it, I wasted it, “I’m sorry… It’s my fault…”
Ovia immediately ran up to me as soon as I stopped talking. In that moment I knew I should move away. I knew I didn’t deserve what was coming. But despite that, I just stood still as she fell to her knees and embraced me once again.
What’s wrong with me?
…
“If you could go back, would you?” Aria came a little closer now that I was being held in place by Ovia.
“But they-”
“If they allowed you to come back, would you go back?” She almost immediately interrupted me.
I…
Am I allowed to?…
…
I…
I want…
…
I nodded.
But…
“… they wouldn’t… I… I chose to run away… why would they want me back?…” I asked.
“Well, I can’t force you to go back… But, I don’t want to see you left out on the streets again.”
“But-”
“No buts, I still feel at least partially responsible for what happened to you in the first place.”
“…” There was nothing I could say in response to her.
“So… I want to propose a deal, just between me and you, does that sound good to you?”
…
I nodded.
She smiled in response, “What I want to propose to you is a bet,” She pulled up a panel, although I wasn’t able to see what was on it, “If those two are willing to take you back, you will go back to them.”
“But-”
“But…” She interrupted me again, “If they don’t… which I don’t think will happen… I will let you have a room at my temple. If you want I can even ask Celica to start preparing the room right now, does-”
“Wait!” Ovia suddenly interrupted, “S-she can have a room… at my t-temple… I-I have more rooms t-to spare.”
“Alright then, if they don’t let you back you can have a room in one of our temples, you can even choose which you would prefer… At the end of the day, I just don’t want you back on those streets.”
…
I… I can’t say no…
I don’t… want to go back to the streets… not again…
…
I nodded.
“Thank you,” She waved her hand and the panel that was in front of her glided through the air until it was floating just in front of Ovia, “Now, I know it’s a little early but I think it’s time for you to go back… I’m sure you have a lot to think about right now.”
But… I don’t…
No…
…
I don’t want… to leave…
But…
I don’t want them to see me like this anymore…
I’ve already done enough…
…
“O-okay… I… I’ll go back…”
“T-then I-I’ll send you back,” Ovia loosened her hug just enough so that she could move her face in front of mine, “B-but… I-I want to do it like t-this…”
She tightened her hug again, but this time I could feel the darkness slowly climbing up my leg, telling me that it wasn’t long before I was sent back.
Just before I felt myself slip from Ovia’s grasp I quickly wrapped my arms around her neck.
Just…
Let me be a little selfish…
…
I need it…
With that last thought, I felt Ovia’s presence disappear.