Novel Bin
Chapter 45 – I Don’t Know
Chapter 45 – I Don’t Know
I don’t know…
…
It had probably been a few days since visiting the market, but I couldn’t say exactly how many days had passed. Since then, I just stayed in my room with the curtains drawn to block out the light.
I don’t know what to do…
…
Both Ava and Raynelle had visited me a few times, but I just couldn’t bring myself to face them. After a while, they stopped coming into the room entirely and would just leave things at the entrance for me, though that didn’t stop them from trying to talk to me every time they did.
I don’t want to…
…
As if on cue, there was a knock on the door, followed by the sound of the hinges squeaking. I just lifted the covers over my head so whoever it was couldn’t see me.
Please stop…
…
“Kierra?” It was Ava’s voice, “How are you doing today?”
“…”
“I’m sorry…” She said, for what had to be the tenth time since she brought me here.
It wasn’t your fault…
…
It’s mine…
…
I’m the one who couldn’t run… I’m the one who froze up… I’m the one they wanted…
…
I’m the one who’s hiding…
…
“Um… I had gotten this for you a little bit ago now… the day after-” She stopped herself from speaking, “I’ll just leave it here, alright?”
“…”
“I’m sorry… I know you want to be left alone…” She said, followed by the sound of the door closing.
…
I don’t know…
…
I… just… don’t know anymore…
…
I don’t know why my legs wouldn’t move…
…
All that’s changed is…
…
But I…
I don’t want to go back… not anymore…
…
I brought the covers down just enough so that I could check if the door had actually been closed fully. Even though there was almost no light in the room, I was somehow still able to see perfectly clearly. The door was closed, and in front of it lay a single pillow. It was quite a bit bigger than the pillow I had been using.
Umbra jumped out of the shadows right next to the pillow and brought it over to me.
…
Thanks…
…
Ever since I closed out the light, it was almost like the whole room had become an extension of my shadow. Umbra had been able to pop out from anywhere they wanted in the room, and on top of that, the room had cooled down quite a lot… it was almost like…
…
Not now…
Please… Not now…
…
I don’t want her to see me…
…
Not like this…
…
What happened to me?…
I found myself instinctively glancing over at the side table where I had left the hair clip I had finished off for Ovia. It was the only thing I could bring myself to do since…
…
What am I supposed to do?…
…
I… don’t know…
…
That phrase had looped over and over in my head for the past few days.
I don’t know…
I just… don’t know…
…
I reached out to close the box where the hair clip had been placed, but as I did, something pulled my hand back. The ribbon tied around my wrist had gotten caught on the corner of the table.
…
…
I don’t know…
…
I pulled my hand back to free the ribbon before closing the box.
…
What am I doing?…
…
Tears started falling from my eyes, but I didn’t feel any different.
…
I just closed my eyes, hoping that by going to sleep, I would be able to forget about everything, even if just for a short while.
…
It didn’t take long for the room temperature to drop even further than it already had. Because of that, I didn’t even need to open my eyes to know what kind of dream I was having.
…
I don’t want this… Not now…
…
I lay there, holding my eyes shut. I didn’t want to see the fake fox from my dreams, not when I was like this.
It will just remind me of…
…
I don’t deserve…
…
…
“Kierra!”
My ears instantly perked up, searching for the source of the sound.
Was that?
No, it couldn’t be…
…
It can’t be….
I kept my eyes closed, not wanting to entertain that thought any further than I already had.
“Kierra!” The voice was much louder this time.
Leave me alone…
Don’t do this to me…
“Kierra! W-what’s wrong?!”
Someone lifted me up off of the ground, and tears immediately started forming again.
“N-no, no, w-what do I do?!” The voice was coming from right behind me.
Why are you here?
…
Why now?
…
Something cool brushed up against my face, taking my tears with it.
“P-please don’t c-cry.”
…
“… I… don’t know…” I mumbled, still holding my eyes closed, not wanting to admit that this was actually happening… that it was her.
“I-it’s going to be a-alright,” They sat down on the floor and carefully placed me in their lap, “U-um… W-what do I do now?”
…
Did you really come here… for me?…
…
…
I gave in.
I opened my eyes.
I looked up.
I looked into those abyss-like eyes.
…
“… Ovia…” My tears just kept on flowing.
“Y-yes, I-I’m here,” She responded, gently wiping away my tears once again, “A-… Are you okay?”
“… I… don’t know…”
“U-um… c-can I help?”
“… I don’t know…”
You can’t keep saying that.
…
But… I don’t-
“B-but,” She interrupted my train of thought, “I… want to help…”
“…” I chose not to say anything, as I knew that if I tried, only one thing would come out of my mouth, and I didn’t want to keep doing that to her.
She wrapped her arms around me, pulling me back against her chest.
“S-sorry if I’m a l-little cold… T-there isn’t much I can d-do about it.”
“… No… I like it,” I squeaked out, though I wasn’t sure if she heard it.
We sat like that for a while, in complete silence. At some point, the tears that had wet my cheeks finally dried up.
…
Why does she let me do this?
…
She’s a Goddess… She doesn’t have to do this…
…
“… I don’t know what to do,” I mumbled by accident.
“A-are you feeling better now?” She asked, seemingly ignoring what I had said.
“… Mhm…”
“Good!” Ovia suddenly shouted, startling me a little, “Oh, s-sorry…”
…
“… It’s fine… I was just… a little surprised…”
“That’s why I apologised…” she muttered to herself.
I almost let out a laugh but held myself back, knowing that it probably wasn’t appropriate.
“S-so what was wrong? C-can I help?”
“… I don’t-” I stopped myself before continuing, “I… I’ve changed…”
“Is that a g-good thing?”
“… I don’t know!” I couldn’t stop myself and ended up shouting at her, “… I just… I don’t want to change… but… I don’t want to… go back either…”
What are you doing?
This is your problem. Not hers.
Why are you doing this to her?
“W-well um… I…” Ovia seemed to struggle to say anything.
Look at what you’ve done…
This is your fault.
“W-what happened?” She eventually asked.
Just stop.
Don’t answer.
…
“I…” In the end, I just couldn’t stop myself, “The knights… I couldn’t run… I couldn’t escape… I was stuck… but why?… why can’t I control myself anymore… what if… I don’t want… not again… please not again…”
I felt tears start to well up, but before any could fall, Ovia hugged me tighter.
“I-I… saw…” She said, sounding a little dejected.
“…”
She saw?
…
She saw… that…
…
“I don’t know what to do… What if… it happens again… I’m… I’m not safe anymore… I… need to go back… but… I don’t want to… I don’t want to go back… not anymore… I don’t know why, but I don’t want to go back. I can’t go back!”
Ovia didn’t respond.
I’ve ruined it…
Why did I do that?
Why do I keep making mistakes?
“I-I think you know exactly what y-you want to do,” She eventually spoke up.
…
“… What?…” I asked, “… What am I supposed to do?”
“Y-you keep saying that y-you don’t want to go b-back.”
“But-”
“I-if you don’t want to go back,” She cut me off, “T-then the only way you can go is f-forward.”
…
…
I… don’t know…
…
It makes sense, but…
I just don’t know…
…
“U-um… W-what about this? W-what do you want to d-do right n-now?” She asked.
“… Just… can we stay like this… I like this… This is what I want right now…”
“O-okay then,” She hugged me even tighter than before, this time wrapping her tails around me as well.
…
“… Thank you…” I mumbled
We sat like that for what felt like an eternity, but I didn’t mind. For the first time in a while, my mind fell silent, and I was able to just focus on what was happening around me. I was able to just focus on the slight chill coming from Ovia’s body. I was able to just focus on the endless darkness that surrounded us. I was able to just focus on… me… what I wanted…
“I-I’m sorry I’m not that g-good at this… E-Ellaria is better at things like this…” She suddenly broke the silence, “S-she’s helped me before… more t-than once… I t-tried to copy her, but I k-know I’m not that good.”
That’s not true…
…
If that were true…
I wouldn’t feel like this… I think…
…
I reached out and hugged one of Ovia’s tails that was waving about just in front of me, hoping that it would make her feel a little better, “… Thank you…” I buried my face in the tail to hide my embarrassment.
She didn’t respond for a while, so I just continued to hold onto her tail, at least until the darkness around us started to lighten up a little.
“Oh no!” Ovia suddenly shouted, “I-I spent t-too long here.”
“What?-”
“I-I’m sorry,” She freed me from her tails and stood up, “I-I was supposed to p-prepare.”
“No!” I instinctually reached up and grabbed her arm, “Not yet… Please… I’m not ready…”
“B-But I need to prepare for t-today.”
“Today?”
“I-I thought you were v-visiting today…” There was a slight tremble in her voice, “A-are you not?-”
“No!” I interrupted her, “I just… I’m not ready… just a bit longer… please.”
“U-um… I c-can’t…”
Oh…
I pushed it too far…
“B-because y-you are about to w-wake up,” She added in a panic.
…
I… can’t do anything about that…
…
“… Okay…” I let go of her arm and fell to my knees.
“S-see you s-soon then,” She waved at me before disappearing from view, leaving just me and the endless black expanse behind.
I knelt there, motionless, as the chill that once filled the space gradually vanished, telling me that this dream was truly coming to an end.
…
My eyelids slowly opened, revealing the familiar wooden ceiling of the inn.
I… don’t know…
…
I silently cursed at myself after that thought went through my mind. Even after Ovia visited me in my dreams, I still didn’t know what to do.
…
What do you want to do right now?
I thought back to Ovia’s question.
…
I… want to see you again…
…
She said I could visit today…
I slid myself out of bed and pulled the curtains back for the first time in days. I expected sunlight to flood the room immediately, but instead, what greeted me was the moon hanging high in the sky.
It doesn’t matter what time it is… It’s still today…
She said today.
“Umbra?” I called out.
“*Yip*” They responded as they climbed out of my shadow.
“Can I have my dress?”
Without making any noise, Umbra brought the dress out and placed it down on the bed.
“Thank you.”
I got changed as quickly as I could, just taking some extra time at the end to pat down my tail to make sure there wasn’t any fur poking out haphazardly.
“Alright,” I said, turning towards Umbra once again, “Take… everything… I… don’t know if I’ll be back…”
“*Yip?*” Umbra responded.
It was strange for Umbra to talk back to me like that, but…
“… Yes… just… please…”
Umbra didn’t respond after that and just took everything from the room into my shadow immediately, leaving it looking just as it had the first time I was brought here.
…
I sat on the windowsill in silence for a minute, just contemplating what I was about to do.
I…
No… not again…
…
“Thank you… for everything… I… I…” Tears started forming in my eyes once again, “I’m sorry… I need some time… I… I just need some time…”
I made my way out of the inn through the window because I didn’t want to risk running into Ava or Raynelle, not when I was like that.
…
I don’t know…
…
I don’t know why… why I’m like this…
I just…
…
I’m sorry…